Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!”
A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks “Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!”
Suddenly there’s a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash!
The first monk looks at the second monk and says “Brother, do you think the sign should just say ‘Bridge Out’?”
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!”
A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks “Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!”
Suddenly there’s a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash!
The first monk looks at the second monk and says “Brother, do you think the sign should just say ‘Bridge Out’?”
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
A man wanted to become a monk
A man wanted to become a monk
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every five years.”
The man agreed and after the first 5 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“Food cold!” the man replied.
Five more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?”
“Bed hard!” the man exclaimed.
Five more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”
“I quit!” said the man.
“Well,” the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”
A new monk shows up at a monastery
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.
The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others’ copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They ask him what is wrong and he says:
“The word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!”
A priest, a monk and a rabbi walk into a bar.
A priest, a monk and a rabbi walk into a bar.
Ow!
Ow!
Oy!
A monk was determined to seek immortality...
A monk was determined to seek immortality…
But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightenment, he went to his teacher and said “Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?”
“Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?” the master asked.
“Yes, my teacher.”
“Have you travelled to the highest of the peaks and admired the blazing beauty of the snow?”
“Yes.”
“Have you gazed at the endless stars in awe for an entire night?”
“Yes.”
“That’s the problem. You keep watching that shit instead of training.”
How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many meditation teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty. One to actually do the work, and forty-nine to offer reflections on it.
How many joss-stick Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother? Kwan Yin will do it for us.
How many monks does it take to change a light bulb?
They can’t. There’s no light bulbs in the Vinaya.
How many vipassana meditators does it take to change a light bulb?
No need. Just mindfully note: ‘darkness, darkness, darkness’.
How many tantric adepts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two; but they have to do it in full lotus posture.
How many Nagarjunas does it take to change a light bulb?
Since there’s no Nagarjuna and no light bulb, how can there be any change?
How many Buddhist scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
An internationally respected committee of academics, after deliberating all night, conclusively failed to agree on the meaning of the word ‘light bulb’. Meanwhile, the sun came up.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
The peach blossoms fall softly on the warty old frog.
How many Ajahn Brahms does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb just has to get into jhana, then it’ll glow by itself.
How many Abhidhamma scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
There are 20W light bulbs, 40W light bulbs, 80W light bulbs, 100W… 200W…
There are 6V light bulbs, 12V light bulbs, 120V light bulbs, 240V light bulbs…
There are incandescent bulbs, fluorescent bulbs…
There are clear light bulbs, pearled light bulbs, colored light bulbs…
There are screw-in light bulbs, bayonet light bulbs…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V, there are 20W light bulbs that are 12V… 120V… 240V…
There are 40W light bulbs that are 6V… 240V…
80W… 100W… 200W…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V incandescent…
There are 200W light bulbs that are 240V, florescent, colored, and bayonet.
How many arahants does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Bhikkhu Sujato
The Young Monk
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies and not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says. “We have been copying from the copies for centuries but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. “We missed the ‘R’ ! We missed the ‘R’!” His forehead was all bloody and bruised and he was crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asked the old abbot. “What’s wrong, father?”
With a choking voice, the old abbot replied. “The word was… CELEBRATE!”