Not enough time

Some time ago, I mentioned that there was something I’d like to do, “if I had all the time in the world.”  I don’t remember what it was.  Meggie said something like I do have just as much time as anyone else.  I explained that the list of all the things I want to do is far longer than the hours in the day.  She countered that it’s up to me to allocate my time and that I shouldn’t complain about not having enough time.  I further explained that having more that I need to do than I have time to do is my #1 stressor, and that this is something that troubles me greatly. I have nightmares about this.  It’s a recurring nightmare.  Her reaction was that this is something that I’m doing to myself, it’s my own fault, so I shouldn’t complain.

Something died in our relationship after this conversation.  I wondered to myself what value does this relationship have for me if my sharing the #1 stressor in my life is met with no empathy, no support, and a claim that I shouldn’t even complain since it’s my own doing.  What the fuck kind of relationship is this?

Needing me time

And then yesterday, Meggie asked me if I liked her and if I liked being with her.  This was in reaction to my being quite depressed.  Meggie claimed that I’ve been snapping at her.  I do remember snapping at her once, but it’s because of something she said that pissed me off that I wasn’t going to let pass.  I don’t remember what the issue was, but I did snap at her.  I answered that I love her and I do like her and like being with her.  Later she brought up the subject again mentioning that she’s sad that I’m more happy when I’m on my own or with my friends than I am with her.  I don’t want Meggie to think that I don’t like being with her, so I said that I like being with her, and I also like being on my own.  I need a balance between the two.  I said that I feel like I don’t get enough time on my own.  Me time.  She disagreed and said that I do, that I went to India, I go to Trout Lake, and I do other things on my own.  So here again, I’m sharing something that troubles me.  And Meggie’s first reaction was to disagree with me. She asked me to cite other people who spend as much time as I do away from their wives. I found that curious as isn’t comparing my needs with others to make the point that I shouldn’t want to be away from her as much as I do almost the definition of being judgmental?

Again, in this instant, something died in our relationship.

To her credit, she did suggest that I go off and do something by myself, and she had quite a few ideas about what I should do and how we could coordinate that with us being here in Perth with only one car.  It seemed that she was very troubled by the idea that I needed time to myself. So I decided to change the focus of the conversation and said that my work also stresses me.  The unending flow of email into my inbox. The endless busy work that chews us time but doesn’t pay much. This all stresses me out.  I said that my career path was a mistake in hindsight.  Were I to do it all over, I would have fared much better to be a therapist like Paul Woolery.  I commented that it’s too late to make such a career change.  Meggie mentioned that I could be a life coach.  From what little I know about life coaching, I don’t have much respect for life coaches, and I’m skeptical about making money as a life coach.  My bat-shit crazy acquaintance in Seattle claims to be a life coach.  I know a few other life coaches, and they range from excellent to flakey.  It was curious that Meggie pushed hard for me to look into being a live coach.  I felt like I was being pressured.  I told her I would look into it and the pressure continued.

Snorkeling missed opportunity

So at Busselton there is a jetty at the end of which are underwater statues.  I really wanted to snorkel down to see those statues  On Saturday I chose to join the group to take a tour of the area.  But on Sunday morning I was exhausted and it was cold out.  I might have had the opportunity to see the statues that afternoon but checkout from the AirBnB was 10:00 a.m. and Meggie said she’d have no where to hang out if I went snorkeling after we checked out.  It really made me sad that she didn’t leave open the option to entertain herself while I went snorkeling that afternoon.  This was the one thing I really wanted to do, perhaps the only thing that was high on my list.

BDU “has to” pay me

I was sitting at my computer and she asked me what I was doing.  I told her that I was grading some quizzes for Buddha Dharma University for a course that had no teacher.  I do that sometimes.  If there’s no teacher to teach a class, I’ll fill in for them.  She asked me if they, BDU, pays me for this.  I said no.  She said they “have to” pay me for my time.  It troubles me that I live with someone who lives in a world in which things “have to” be the way she things they ought to be.

Feeding dogs simultaneously

I was in the process of feeding the dogs.  Meggie came up to me and said, “No, No, No!” and took the food bowl away from me.  I was stunned.  I mentioned that it bothered me that she did that.  She explained that she didn’t have time to do otherwise.  I asked what was so time sensitive.  She said that the dogs need to eat together and that Daisy was not there yet.  She said she was sorry that this bothered me.  I suppose my takeaway from this is that when I told her that her approach bothered me, her first reaction was to be defensive.  I find it a bit shocking that after all these years, she still finds this kind of behavior acceptable.

I look like a Yakuza

I was wearing a black t-shirt and black pants.  Meggie said I look like a Yakuza.  I’ve told her before I don’t mind her making suggestions, but I don’t appreciate criticisms.

Oil change is time sensitive

The car dashboard said that the oil has 10% left of its life.  Meggie asked that I get the oil changed before I leave for Trout Lake.  I explained that I was waiting on come crush washers for the oil pan drain plug.  She insisted that the oil has to be changed before I leave.  She was unwilling to listen to any discussion about how a few hundred miles won’t make any difference given that it’s 5,000 between oil changes.  She said she didn’t feel safe driving the car knowing how close it is to that 5,000 mark.  I told her I would think about it.  As it turns out, I was able to find a washer and did change the oil. But I found her being so insistent that the oil has to be changed before I left unreasonable and controlling.  Which leads us to…

I’m controlling

So whenever I get my way or do something my way, that’s me being controlling.  Okay, I let this slide so Meggie could have her “win” and put all this behind her.

Okay, so why don’t you go

After a talk a few mornings ago, I was depressed.  It must have been obvious as I lay down off and on throughout the rest of the day.  Sometimes talks leave me emotionally drained and exhausted.  The next morning, to Meggie’s credit, she recommended that we see a movie.  I paused and said, “I’m not doing well.”  She said something like, “Okay, so why do you just go and be by yourself.”  The tone was that of annoyance.  Interestingly, since then she referenced what she said but referred to it implying that she said that as a gesture of kindness and support.  It sure didn’t sound that way.